Since the sudden and unexpected passing of my mother, I've been living in a state of fear. Fear that I haven't achieved enough, didn't do all that I could have done with my life or waited too long to pursue passions and dreams. I clearly waited too long for her to see some of them.
Engulfed in that fear, that at times crashes over my like panic, I've been trying to force myself to choose between persuits that bring me immense pleasure, joy and are creative outlets - blogging, writing fiction and designing jewlery. Going on the "one big thing" concept, I began to worry that I'd never achieve the end goal in any of them, if I couldn't narrow myself down to doing just ONE.
I forced a decision to dedicate myself to only one. I packed the others away like broken toys. Slowly, piece by piece, the tools of the trade of the others re-appear at my side. An irresistible force pulls me back and as if overnight, the decision is undone. I'm back to juggling my time between them all, yet again. I'm left feeling guilty and tortured that I'm passionate about more than one thing and have brought myself back to square one.
I was in this mind set while watching the lastest episode of Project Runway, when the guest judge spoke to a designer that was busy bastardizing her design simply because she was afraid it wasn't enough like what the others were doing. Guest judge, Elie Tahari, offered sage advice to create "from love and not fear". Do what you love and are inspired to do, not for fear of others. That really resonated with me on a personal level.
Was it any wonder things were feeling forced and contrived when I felt like everything I touched, I had this one time, last chance to make "it" perfect - no more tomorrows. I'd already let too many tomorrows breeze by me. I found myself paralized by my own expectations. When the truth is, that as long as I'm healthy and alive, there's always another chance and another day to do it better- those things that I love. The things that bring me joy and inspiration. So what if that was more than one thing and none of them ever rise above enthused hobbist. They've brought me inspiration and enlightenment and I know some of those "things" have brought pleasure to others as well.
Consequently, my one and only goal for 2013 is to live from love and not fear. Cherish the people I love. Do the things that I love. Tell the Briggs Myers INFJ in me to shut the hell up for a while. Stop ordering me about, arranging my life with the ruler's edge and the tick-tock of a clock. For goodness' sake, let me breathe!
